This piece is a pile of randomness that I found while combing through one of my composition books and I figured why not, you either read it or you don’t. But I’m pretty sure others have been here before and will know exactly where I am coming from, jumbled though it may be.
One is seldom articulate when ones emotions get the best of them so I will echo this thought to start it off…
“Yes, we can, yes, we do”
This is my bloody transcript of a portion of life, so here we go… Random thoughts from July 2016.. **Read to the end there is a life lesson in here**
It’s 12:20 pm Let’s get started… I’ve been sitting here, in my car, in the heat for some forty minutes telling myself it’s time to write again. Yet, I haven’t the faintest idea of what to write. It’s been a minute, hasn’t it?
This one phrase, four words, stood out at me today in something I read when I first wiped the sand-dust out of my eyes. “Me, Myself and I” Yup!, that’s the phrase. It got me thinking how often the curveballs of life are thrown in our general direction. Are we in the batter’s box or are we perched in the catcher’s position just ready to use our glove and snag whatever pitch is thrown? I’d like to think we are all in the batter’s box. “Hey batter, batter, swing”.
Some days we wake up full of spit, spunk and vinegar. Some days, we wake and think we are going to conquer the world. And, some days, well some of those days crush everything and we just can’t seem to find one single positive thought that will help us rise from our beds.
As human beings, we complain and quite often too. It doesn’t seem to matter how well things are, we will inevitably find something to complain about. Like today for example, “It’s too damn hot” but yet, we should take a second and look around, the sun is shining, the sky is a beautiful blue, birds are singing, Oh, I see an ambulance coming down the road, but it doesn’t mean death awaits anyone. There is a gentle breeze making the leaves on the tree I’m parked in front of dance. It’s actually nice to see. There’s an empty soccer field in front of me and two sea gulls have decided it’s a good place to rest. Now, I’ve stopped for a few to have a cigarette and a think, I’m not sure where I was going with this. Hmm, I’ll get right back with you shortly. It’s 12:40 pm.
Okay, back again. So the title of this piece is Me, Myself and I … right? Pardon me a moment someone’s just parked beside me and is naturally on her cell phone bitching to someone about “I don’t know why I have to do this, blah, blah, blah…” You know, the bloody parking lot is mostly empty and she just had to come all the way over here and park, right in my quiet spot. Oh, I guess I should explain where I am currently. So, my youngest daughter has a summer school class, she needed one credit to graduate high school. Today is her orientation day. The class will be conducted online for the remainder. Today we had to drive to Ajax for the orientation, it’s only for an hour, she’ll be out in ten minutes and we can head back home. Rather than go for a drive to kill time and waste gas I brought a composition book and figured I’d write while waiting for her. It’s awkward writing on a steering wheel you know. So any hoots, back to it……
Me, a 48-year-old unemployed mother of three. Back in February of 2016, the 24th to be exact, I had to quit my job due to illness. It’s now been 4 months. I’m about to lose my child support on august 1st because my youngest turns 18. It’s funny how fathers can just write off a child for becoming of age.
Well that was a long bloody pause, my daughter came back to the car ten minutes early and I had to drive home, that was two days ago and now I’m finally typing this up on my word press and that is exactly 6 months and one day from the day I started to write this, but I felt it was relevant enough to share and here we are. You see, by the time I got back home I’d forgotten what my point was. So here I am two days later with a bit of a different perspective on whatever it was I had originally set out to do. Not the norm for me when writing, but it happened none the less. Today ( July 7th, 2016) I just realized something…
There are times we all feel sorry for ourselves. Yup! that’s right folks, we do it. Most will not admit it freely but it’s a known fact. Think about it, how many times have you stood in front of the mirror and criticized your own body just because you were feeling blah? I know I’ve done it, more times than I care to count. Flapping the chicken wings, tracing the wrinkles, and when that special K pinch was way more than an inch, oh boy!
So, what can we do when things go wrong and we feel sorry for ourselves? Well, for starters, we can focus on what’s right in our lives instead of what’s wrong. For the past few weeks, I’ve felt less than par and I’ve felt sorry for myself. Life has just been a little off for me since Becoming unemployed. Prior to that, I had a daily routine. Now, I am feeling kind of lost, like my purpose for getting up in the morning is gone. We all have those days where nothing we do seems right and our over sensitivity kicks in and everything we say comes out wrong and everything others say just irritates us to the point we want to crawl out of our skin.
You caught me, I nodded off, got busy with other things and poof! It’s now August 6th, 2016 and one of the longest pauses I’ve ever taken while writing something. It’s not really like me not to write something all the way through to completion. I think I’ve only done that once before. But, lately, I have found I’ve lost my groove a little and just haven’t really felt much like writing. You see, I can not force myself to write. I must be in the right head-space to write otherwise I produce pieces not worth sharing and that is unproductive for me.
Apart from exhaustive job searching, applications and rejection after rejection I have a never-ending pile of laundry that seems to multiply after each trip I take downstairs and dishes that continuously pile up in my sink because my family are just to damn lazy to load or unload the dishwasher. I know I’m not the only one who deals with this.
I’ve recently joined Netflix and I am totally addicted because I can binge watch a variety of television shows by seasons. Thus far I am waiting for Season 5 of Orange if the New Black, Season 3 of Scream, The new Season of Wentworth, Pretty Little Liars, even though I just found out it’s running currently on Bravo but I missed the first few episodes. I also started watching Strange Things. Then there are movies galore so naturally, I hit the horror section first and just started watching one after the other until I get tired enough to fall asleep.
Next Saturday (September 2016) they are holding a job fair at the newly renovated mall and my youngest daughter and I will be attending first thing in the morning. There are 700 job positions available so I am hoping for the best. At this point, I just need some kind of a paycheck to make ends meet. You see, 3 out of 4 of us in our family found ourselves unemployed at the same time which is very rare. So, we were at a loss of 3 out of 4 incomes (the 4th is not employable at this time) which is a huge blow and sets you back horribly. It was not only that I was jobless, I also lost my child support in August (2016) and lost rental subsidy which had cut my rent in half. When the harsh times hit the worst we fell two months behind in rent and came close to eviction and becoming homeless, we just escaped that by the skin of our teeth. I then found myself selling off my precious items and furniture to make sure we had money for rent, food and our electricity and hot water covered. I had to dip into my gold jewelry, my rather extensive movie collection, some of my electronics, old video game systems, and old cell phones, basically anything we had that was sellable, to make ends meet but it helped us get through another month. Life is a struggle but we’re going to find a way to make it work some how. Winter will be coming soon and I don’t plan on living in my car.
Life has handed us lemons this year (2016) but we are trying to find ways to make the lemonade that will keep us all together safe and fed, warm and healthy. We haven’t given up yet. One more gained back employment right at the end of 2016 and that gives us 1/4 so that will cover groceries each week once again and if the job fair goes well hopefully 2 more of us will find jobs and things will get even better.
**Though other things transpired before the end of the year writing them all down would be endless drivel, so I won’t but know that though we are still on the unemployment line we have income support and a ton of workshops etc that have helped keep us in our home and warm and fed. Onward and upward for 2017.**
Luck, you’re coming our way! We’ve been waiting for you.
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